Mish Mosh Monday

There were all kinds of things greeting me on the news this morning. Fortunately none of them were about the White House Intruders, Paris Hilton, Tori Spelling and Tiger Woods. That was the good news. The bad news is that the news media felt it necessary to blow our morning minds with the story about Harry Reid because he made a comment during the 2008 presidential race regarding President Obama. This of course should be placed in the "I don't give a rat's behind" category when it comes to news. It's simply tit for tat between the Democrats and Republicans. There's a lot more things they should be concerned with other than who said what two years ago. Not only that, but Reid apologized to the President and the President accepted his apology. Ok, so now what. I got it! Let's lynch him up to a tree and draw and quarter him. Of course all this came to light with the release of a new book about politics, specifically the 2008 election. You don't think this will boost the author's book sales do ya? While we're at it lets do the same to everyone else who ever had a slip of the tongue, um, including Linda Lovelace. (sorry, just couldn't help myself there)

Then there's the guy in Switzerland who was slapped with a $290.000 ticket for speeding. Ok, I get it. The guy is a millionaire driving a Ferrari and the authorities wanted to make an example of him. Now this is all taking place in Europe where other countries as well are similarly handing out hefty fines to speeding drivers. What I'm worried about is the United States, with a gazillion million dollars in debt thinking of doing the same thing. The only thing that's going to save our behinds is that the fines are based on a person's wealth. Phew, I'm safe there. If they base it on my wealth my fine should amount to $4.50. Excuse me here while I take my truck out on the road and see if it actually will do 120mph on the Interstate.

A friend of mine sent us a comedy clip of a YouTube video taped from a British television show. It was really funny due to the fact that it involved using words banned from American television. You know, the "F" word and the basic subject matter. I don't think hearing the "F" word on American television would actually warp my mind or make me go blind if I actually heard anyone say it on Leno or Letterman. But it makes me wonder why we Americans are so frightened of hearing anyone say those words on television. Aren't we supposed to be the most advanced country in the world? Apparently not when the British can interject those forbidden words into their TV programs and we cannot. Try watching Lewis Black or clips of George Carlin on TV with the censors clipping every offensive word out of their routines. It's just not as funny as, "That %$!#@ no good $#@!&$ ran off with my wife." Or when you hit your thumb with a hammer. Would you scream out, "Oh my goodness, that sure does hurt!" Or would you yell out, "Son-of-a-!#@!! that F*****G
hurts." (pausing while I hit my thumb with a hammer) "!*^%$#@$&##!!

Finally, some people are up in arms about the government installing new body scan devices at all of our major airports to thwart, (I like that word, thwart) anyhow, to thwart terrorist's from smuggling bombs or whatever on board an airliner. They claim it's an invasion of privacy and that the body scans could be showing too much, like sensitive body parts. I don't get it. From what I've observed the body scan devices show an image which closely resembles an x-ray and the outline of one's body. So what's the big deal? Ok, so you can see the outline of a woman's body, yeah, and a Male's body as well. Will someone please explain to me how this is an invasion of privacy. Their looking for BOMBS and KNIVES and any suspicious people! So ok, they can see the shape of your body parts. Personally, it's not going to give me a rush to see those images. Trust me here, if Playboy magazine starts to show naked women in their centerfolds using a body scan device, I'm cancelling my subscription. Then again, this could be a new publishing enterprise for yet another men's magazine, "Sensual Body Scan Magazine." Hmmmm, time to call my publisher.

3-D TV Is Coming-Adjust Your Pacemakers

Great Caesar's Ghost! 3-D technology is coming to our home television sets. ESPN and The Discovery Channel announced that it would start beaming 3-D entertainment into our homes by this coming June. This could be the equivalent of having an I-Max Theatre in our own living rooms. YES! This also means that those of us who need glasses to watch TV will also need 3-D glasses too. So we'll need to wear glasses on top of glasses along with the glasses we need to hold our drinks. THREE! Three sets of glasses. Geez.

Now what about the effects 3-D will have on our normal viewing. I myself get a little queasy watching CSI or NCIS when they do autopsies on bodies. Seems like they always have to hold up some gory piece of a body part for us to look at exactly at the same moment we're biting into our nightly snack. Imagine this in 3-D. "Oh look Horatio," says the CSI coroner to the star of the show...."this heart valve is still pumping blood." With our new 3-D technology blood spurts into our living rooms and my donut and coffee go splattering all over the floor as I lurch from the sofa and head for the bathroom.

Now the Discovery channel along with ESPN will be the first to introduce 3-D to us. I don't think I'll want to be munching on snacks watching either of those channels either. Picture yourself watching the Discovery channel as they chronicle the birth of the African elephant in 3-D exactly at the moment the little baby comes bursting out of, well, um, you know. Off to the bathroom again.

Then ESPN. Sure, they're not going to show anything gory unless it's a zoom in of someone in the stands picking their nose. Can any of you remember the camera action at an NFL game some years ago during a lull in the game when a stray dog wandered out onto the playing field? The producers thought this was sooooo cute and zoomed in on the little pooch. The dog, with it's cute little brown eyes and quizzical look smiled for the camera and then proceeded to take a dump right on the field in front of a gazillion television viewers. Boy did that camera zoom out quickly. I think disadvantage of watching 3-D on ESPN will be when the camera follows the action of whatever object is in play. A golf ball, football, hockey puck, etc. Perhaps even in televising the Olympics during the javelin throw. Do you think most of us would be ducking as a javelin spear comes lunging at us in 3-D. Might not be a good idea to eat anything while watching 3-D television.

There is one advantage to 3-D however. The Victoria's Secret annual lingerie presentation. OH YEAH! Can you say, male chauvinist?

Baseball vs Other Sports On Television

(sigh) Yes, I am a baseball fan. Boston Red Sox dyed in the wool. Whatever being dyed in the wool consists of. Never understood that phrase. Sounds like a rather painful procedure so it must have happened while I was a mere child. Kinda like when I was circumcised. OK Mrs. V, we have a two for one deal here today at the hospital. Circumcise your son and we'll throw in a "dye in the wool" Red Sox procedure. Must have worked because I've been a Sox fan for all of my life.

It's extremely difficult for us Sox fans to endure the long cold winter without baseball. We tend to go through a withdrawal phase followed by endless surfing on the tube to find something to pacify us until April rolls around. But nothing seems to take the place of baseball. No, football doesn't do it either. By the way, I've been called UN-American for not liking football. Doesn't bother me though. I just shrug it off and go stand in a corner somewhere if I'm surrounded by football fans.

There ARE other sports on television such as golf, basketball, soccer, hockey, NASCAR and yes, football. It just isn't the same. Take golf for instance. Have you ever seen a golfer steal the second hole? Or for that matter, knock the ball out of the course on to the Masspike. NO! Or a soccer player actually touch the ball other than with their feet or heads. Try doing that in baseball and you're either taking first base or in the hospital. How can you enjoy that game without ever feeling the ball coming at you at a gazillion miles an hour knowing full well that you only have a tiny stick of a bat to hit it with. Hockey drives me crazy just trying to keep track of the tiny puck zipping across the ice. I can't even follow a golf ball on television so how the hell do I follow a hockey puck? Basketball isn't too bad except for the constant squeaking of those sneakers on the court floor. I frankly think the hoops are way too big too. It's just not the same watching a big ball go into a hoop then watching a tiny ball heading for a baseball bat. And what about those sneakers those guys wear, what, are they all size 13! No wonder they squeak. NASCAR is way too noisy, not to mention the fumes from all the cars, and unlike baseball, there's no home plate, just a green flag at the end. When you win the race it's not like you can stop on a dime after winning surrounded by your team mates. Sure, there's the pit crew, but at the moment of winning they'd all get run over running out to congratulate the driver.
Yeah, I know, I'm picking on minor things here because I love baseball so much. The rest of you sports fans could most likely counter me with the negatives of baseball. But I'll never change my mind. Like I said, dyed in the wool.

So you'll have to excuse me for my dislike of other sports as I sit back in my easy chair out on the patio on a warm summer afternoon with my nice cold bottle of Woolite. Yep,.......dyed in the "wool."

Having A Good Sense Of Humor Pays Off.....Sometimes.

There's way too much serious stuff going on in the world today. Terrorists, politics, (very close to terrorists) and the usual murder and robbery stories all over the media. Ever since I can remember, which right now amounts to what I did 5 minutes ago, I always relied on humor to get me through difficult times and otherwise boring situations. I might add that I paid the price for my humor in many instances including various jobs that I held over the years. But it never deterred me from keeping my sense of humor.

The photograph above dates back to 1978 when I was a sales representative for a record company. That year John Travolta and Olivia Newton John had the top selling album, "Grease." My Christmas card for the company that year was the photograph above. I etched out Travolta's picture and put in my own. They loved it, but it was to be one of the few times my humor was appreciated.

I wrote in my autobiography of an instance at AAA where I had been employed at their call center aiding stranded motorists. My name is Richard but most people call me Dick. Being of Italian heritage I endured the Mafia jokes and always came back with a line when someone invoked the Mafia bit. Usually I'd reply, "Yeah, I'm Big Dick."
We all know of course that my nickname can be used when referring to a body part as well. It's all in how you choose to interpret it. A coworker at AAA yelled out to me, "Hey Little Dick," I countered with, "That's Big Dick to you!" Within a half hour I was called into the manager's office and told that I was being accused of sexual harassment for yelling that out, and that I should apologize to everyone in the office. I replied to the manager, "I've been Dick for years, I'll continue to be Dick for years, and I will not apologize for being Dick. He looked at with a rather blank look on his face but stuck to his demand. That day I handed in my resignation stating that I could not work for a company that obviously had no sense of humor. I might add that I had been an exceptional employee with no disciplinary actions ever in my personnel file.

While employed at SNET some years ago, I started an in house newspaper strictly dedicated to humorous occurrences that happen every day in the workplace. I wrote every single article with a humorous twist and the newspaper became a success. It was distributed to almost 75% of the various SNET offices throughout Connecticut. Because I had also been a union representative, the manager within my office made it his goal to destroy that newspaper culminating in my eventual termination. I was aware of his quest but continued to write my humor until the day he finally succeeded and I was terminated.

Employed at Foxwoods for over 8 years I once again used my humor to publish a yearly Christmas card for my coworkers. There were never any complaints about the card with the exception of one employee who was on the verge of blowing up the world anyhow. I think he's on the terrorist most wanted watch list now.

My point here is that with so much going on in the world today, we all need a break from the bad news. I for one, am willing to risk taking the chance that I may occasionally offend someone in my attempts to be humorous. But that's the risk one takes in seeing things in a different light. I'm willing, and I have always been willing, to take that chance and pay the price if there is a price to pay. If I can make just one person laugh and brighten up their day, then I have accomplished my goal.

As for those that cannot see the humorous side of life........there's always a bright spot for them,.......reading the obituaries.

Surveys R US

The other day I received a survey in the mail from a hospital that treated me for a mild eye condition. I think I was having a problem seeing way too much. Anyhow, they couldn't correct THAT problem but did give me the usual prescriptions for dry eye and irritation. The dry eye stuff worked but I still get irritated quite a bit.

The survey asked me to rate the quality of service I received at the hospital. I filled it out and mailed it back without any irritation. Then I had thought. Wouldn't it be a great idea if every place you patronized sent you a survey based on your visit there. Think of the concept. You'd be able to check off exactly how you felt each time you walked into your convenience store and the twit behind the cash register is on the phone talking while they wait on you. Check off the box that asks how your service was. A. Great.
B. Fair C. So so. D. It really sucked.

They should have a survey for supermarkets and discount department stores that have a gazillion cash registers but only four are open when it's busy. A. Did you get through the line easy enough. B. Did you get through the line less than easy enough.
C. Did you get through the line during this decade.

Then there's the survey that should be sent out from service stations. A. Was the price you paid for gasoline reasonable. B. Was the price of gas you paid somewhat reasonable. C. Was the price of gas paid for by taking out a bank loan.

Then finally, one of my favorite places, the casino, has installed new ATM machines which charge you more than the old ATM machines used too. Get this, if you take out $100 it now costs you $4.00. If you withdraw higher amounts, the fees increase drastically. I believe $500 will cost you $29.00 to use the ATM. What's wrong with this picture? So, my final request would be that the casino's send out a survey on their new ATM machines. Something like. A. Do you think you will be using our new ATM machines again: 1. Yes. 2. No 3. Are you F*****g crazy!

NOW I think I really am irritated. (reaching for my prescription)

The Weight Loss Conspiracy

Recently I have acquired a few extra pounds much to my dismay. So I casually mentioned to my other half that I would like to begin some sort of diet to lose the extra weight due to the fact that most of my jeans do not seem to want to adhere to my body any longer. Her suggestion was to start eating sensibly. Perhaps lay off the goodies, (my entire mouth consists of not one, but several sweet tooth's) and eat something like Special K for breakfast rather than the cereal I've been consuming. For the record, I've been, (sigh) addicted to Lucky Charms and Golden Crisp cereal. Hey, what can I say, they give me the sugar boost I need in the morning to jump start my body. Anyhow, I agreed to buy a box of Special K the next time we went shopping and give up the other cereals.

So off we went to Walmart yesterday and did our grocery shopping. I reluctantly picked out my one box of Special K, and did my assigned chore of pushing the cart around the store for the rest of the shopping process. At the checkout there mysteriously appeared a box of multi flavored donuts, one box of coffee cakes, two bags of potato chips, fig newtons and a large jar of Planters Honey Roasted peanuts. I assume my other half chose these items based on her particular cravings. But I began to wonder what was wrong with this picture. Here I was staring at my one box of Special K cereal which is supposed to help me lose weight, and there surrounding that one box, all kinds of goodies. This wasn't going to be easy.

The following morning as I poured my Special K cereal into the bowl and sparingly, just to ease into the withdrawal from Lucky Charms and Golden Crisp, I sprinkled one measly teaspoon of sugar on top of the flakes of cereal in my bowl. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she cried out to me. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PUT SUGAR ON SPECIAL K!"
I sheepishly agreed with her and sat myself down at the breakfast table with a sigh while she began to wolf down two chocolate covered donuts and a coffee cake.

Have you seen the commercial on television with Ben Stein where in the background there's some guy pounding someone on the head with a huge hammer? It DID cross my mind that morning.

Thank Gawd Fer Spel Chek

Reflecting back on my high school years I can honestly say that I was not the brightest student in any of my classes, with the exception of Art class and Woodworking. Didn't take much effort on my part to pass those two with flying colors. I hated Math with a passion, and it was only until the advent of the calculator that I was actually able to balance my checkbook. English was my second worst subject. Hell, I wanted to be a disc jockey and have all kinds of fun so my theory was, why the heck do I need to learn all of this other useless stuff. Then came my passion for writing. Were it not for the spell check function on all word processing programs in my computer, I'd be stoopid. So bear with me here.

I still don't understand the English language. There are way too many variations for me to comprehend. Take for instance the way certain words are spelled. Psychiatrist or Psychologist should be spelled Sychistrist and Sycologist. What's with using the "P" when it sound like it should be an "S." And those silent letters in some words, like "salve." Yeah, I know, if you drop the "L" it's save so who ever thought up the product figured they'd better throw an "L" in there so we'd know the difference. But there's more. Xerox, should be Zerox. The word "pray" means one thing while the other word "prey" means another. Drives me absolutely crazy. Then there's "liquor" and "licker." Aghhhhh!

I could go on and on but I think you get the point. Fortunately for spell check I can manage to write these blogs without looking up each and every word. The only other problem I have is putting them all in the correct context using the punctuation marks where they belong. That's where my editor comes into the picture. So at that point, when I'm finished writing each day, my editor cleans up my mess.

So, with that said, I'm quit confident dat whatever I spel wrong in my bloogs each day will be corected by my competient editor and therefore I wil not look like a complete idiot. Unless of course she has an off day too.