3-D TV Is Coming-Adjust Your Pacemakers

Great Caesar's Ghost! 3-D technology is coming to our home television sets. ESPN and The Discovery Channel announced that it would start beaming 3-D entertainment into our homes by this coming June. This could be the equivalent of having an I-Max Theatre in our own living rooms. YES! This also means that those of us who need glasses to watch TV will also need 3-D glasses too. So we'll need to wear glasses on top of glasses along with the glasses we need to hold our drinks. THREE! Three sets of glasses. Geez.

Now what about the effects 3-D will have on our normal viewing. I myself get a little queasy watching CSI or NCIS when they do autopsies on bodies. Seems like they always have to hold up some gory piece of a body part for us to look at exactly at the same moment we're biting into our nightly snack. Imagine this in 3-D. "Oh look Horatio," says the CSI coroner to the star of the show...."this heart valve is still pumping blood." With our new 3-D technology blood spurts into our living rooms and my donut and coffee go splattering all over the floor as I lurch from the sofa and head for the bathroom.

Now the Discovery channel along with ESPN will be the first to introduce 3-D to us. I don't think I'll want to be munching on snacks watching either of those channels either. Picture yourself watching the Discovery channel as they chronicle the birth of the African elephant in 3-D exactly at the moment the little baby comes bursting out of, well, um, you know. Off to the bathroom again.

Then ESPN. Sure, they're not going to show anything gory unless it's a zoom in of someone in the stands picking their nose. Can any of you remember the camera action at an NFL game some years ago during a lull in the game when a stray dog wandered out onto the playing field? The producers thought this was sooooo cute and zoomed in on the little pooch. The dog, with it's cute little brown eyes and quizzical look smiled for the camera and then proceeded to take a dump right on the field in front of a gazillion television viewers. Boy did that camera zoom out quickly. I think disadvantage of watching 3-D on ESPN will be when the camera follows the action of whatever object is in play. A golf ball, football, hockey puck, etc. Perhaps even in televising the Olympics during the javelin throw. Do you think most of us would be ducking as a javelin spear comes lunging at us in 3-D. Might not be a good idea to eat anything while watching 3-D television.

There is one advantage to 3-D however. The Victoria's Secret annual lingerie presentation. OH YEAH! Can you say, male chauvinist?